You know what is funny about Frederick Wertham’s criticism about the sexuality of comic books? A lot of it was true. Jungle women were drawn to excite teenage boys. After all, these comics were being drawn and written by twenty-something men. Sexuality was bound to work its way into the funny books. That’s not to say it justifies objectifying women; but it also doesn’t justify puritan witch trial tactics. So, sex and sexuality. How is it depicted in comics today? Let’s find out in this weeks reviews (and oddly, the book that was probably the most sexualized, in a bad way, with all its Greg Land-traced art, Uncanny X-Men #503, didn’t show up at the shop this week)…

Astonishing X-Men #27 (Marvel):

Sex Act: Bestiality. (Not actually shown, but a secret government agent gets really excited about the thought of “commit[ting] crimes against nature” with the Beast. That’s right, leave it to Warren Ellis to put the Beast in bestiality (well, at least phonetically anyways).

Was it good for you? I can understand when authors have repeating themes across their body of work. But for some reason when Ellis introduces mutants from a parallel earth…well, Ellis uses parallel universe plots for a lot of his stories and I guess I just see it as lazy. Anna Mercury is all about visiting parallel earth, as is NewUniversal (when it gets around to being released); oh, and Planetary has similar themes (it also comes out once every six years…which still makes it more frequently released than any work by Evan Dorkin). It just seems kind of lazy. However, a Chinese version of the X-Men? That is pretty awesome. They probably just defeat their nemeses by shoving toys with lead paint down their throats.

Conan the Cimmerian #4 (Dark Horse):

Sex Act: First…wait…what? There is no sex in this issue?! This is Conan isn’t it? He couldn’t slip in a quickie while fighting demons from hell? Well, there are some priests that wear hats that make their heads look like penises. Which makes sense; because priests that burn up your girlfriend to please the crab god kind of makes them dicks.

Was it good for you? Despite of a sexless issue of Conan, there are a lot of great fight panels to enjoy in this issue. And apparently setting fire to demons conjured up by magic creates huge explosions just like shooting a bullet at a car (any part of the car) in the Hollywood movies. But the best part of this issue (indeed, one of my favorite things about this series so far) was the little biographical comics about Conan-creator, Robert E. Howard. Now the story was pretty cool. A teenage Howard beats the crap out of people he’s playing basketball with because “no game can interest me much unless there is plenty of violent action in it.” I think we can all agree with that; hence the popularity of Chess. But what I really liked was the fact that this story was originally told in a letter Howard wrote to H.P. Lovecraft. Seriously…what? Howard was friends with Lovecraft? Truly, the golden age of American literature.

Grant Morrison’s Doctor Who #1 (IDW):

Sex Act: None from what I can tell, but this was originally a British comic so references to sex may just be really, really subtle. There is a scene with Doctor Who holding an umbrella…that could be something, couldn’t it?

Was it good for you? I know absolutely nothing about Doctor Who, except it is some British sci-fi thing. But this was Grant Morrison and early Grant Morrison, so I was even more interested. I can’t comment on how much of the zaniness is Morrison’s and how much is just the Doctor Who mythos, but it was fun stuff. Simple. But fun. At the least, an interesting piece of Grant Morrison comic book history.

Greatest Hits #2 (Vertigo):

Sex Act: Besides an entire orgy, there is a scene that involves oral sex, a cheeseburger, voyeurism, and a toilet. Also a strip club.

Was it good for you? I’ve got to say, my opinion hasn’t changed much since the first issue. I like the sixties stuff with the Mates; I don’t care about the current documentary story line. Other than that I don’t have much to say except it seems odd that DC Comics (which Vertigo is an imprint of) dropped The Boys (published by another DC imprint, Wildstorm) but are willing to print this story. The only real difference is that so far, Greatest Hits is pretty ambivalent when it comes to the amoral behavior of super heroes; whereas The Boys is pretty critical of super heroes acting nasty (though for some reason it wants the reader to be okay with Butcher and company acting just as nasty). So you’re book is safe as long as you don’t point out that Batman may have a problem with raping Alfred’s ears as long as you don’t say there is something wrong with that in the eyes of DC Comics.

Madman Atomic Comics #11 (Image):

Sex Act: Let’s see…Frank fights an elongated, phallic shaped ghost with an extension cord. That’s like penis-fencing, isn’t it? There is also a shot of Luna Joe as a naked Siamese twin.

Was it good for you? Can someone that isn’t Mormon drop me a line and tell me what you thought of this issue. I mean, it was basically just Frank fighting a haunted house while someone explained Mormon theology. Having studies that a bit, I knew what was going on. I just wonder how this comes off to someone that thinks Mike Allred was just making up a bunch of weird mumbo jumbo stuff. By the way, that’s right, Mormon’s believe in Frank Einstein. Why else do you think they claim they’re the only true religion?

NYX: No Way Home #3 (Marvel):

Sex Act: A teenage girl straddles a man and shoves her large gun into his mouth while saying, “Try not to scream, I’ll take it slow.”

Was it good for you? I want to like this title. Kind of like I want to still like Weezer even though they’ve release only two good albums.But it just seems like there is something missing. I don’t know…motivation as to why I should care about the characters? Background as to who they are if you didn’t read the first series from like ten years ago? Yeah, those things might help.

Rasl #3 (Cartoon Books):

Sex Act: Sexy female scientist who happens to be a sexy museum curator in a parallel world.

Was it good for you? I’m liking this book so far, even though it does feature a world where Bob Dylan doesn’t exist. This title is turning out to be a pretty interesting sci-fi story. I wish I could say more about it, but it only comes out once every three months. Though, Jeff Smith is honest about that fact, so I guess I can’t piss and moan about that too much.

We Lost The War But Not The Battle (Picture Box):

Sex Act: Quite a bit. Girl on top. Reverse Cowgirl. Oral. Even some S&M where a guy sniffs the nether regions of a beheaded woman whose corpse is holding a gun to his junk. I’m pretty sure Freud actually wrote this book (don’t get my started on the vagina tunnel and the little baby penis named Clinton).

Was it good for you? This book was written and drawn by Michel Gondry, who has directed such movies as Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Be Kind Rewind. All movies that are kind of head trips. So would he stray from that formula for this comic? You decide. This book tells the story of France being invaded by a nation of communist women, so they employ an army made up of four forty-something draft dodgers (one who is dead) and the homeless. And really, that is about as normal as things get. And apparently Mia Farrow will have sex with anyone when France wins a war. And interesting read if you dig the surreal or just ingested a copious amount of acid.

Welcome to Hoxford #3 (IDW):

Sex Act: Necro-bestiality. That’s right kids, sex with dead animals! A dead werewolf in this case.

Was it good for you? Oh you wacky prison inmates. Even when you’re being hunted down by werewolves, you can’t stop thinking about rape. Seriously, that just seems a bit unrealistic. But seeing that I’ve never been a rapist or prison inmate or hunted down by werewolves, maybe I just don’t get it. This issue seemed to drag on a bit. Yes, a comic about a serial killer who thinks by killing werewolves he’ll ascend to godhood seemed to drag on. It just seemed like there was a lot of talky-talk between the prisoners when we know they’re all going to be eaten. I’ve seen Predator. I’ve seen Alien(s) (3) (Resurrection). I’ve seen Aliens vs. Predator (oh god, why did I see that?). I know how this is going to end. Cut to the chase or give me something new and different.